Severe Simplicity

Dear ________

I’ve been trying to get myself to write but I don’t feel like doing much now a days but I remember feeling this uneasy feeling this same exact night 5 years ago. The words “We need to talk” echoed in my head from the voice message you left on my phone. I had listened to it at least 20 times trying to make out what kind of “We need to talk” it was. After one and a half years of chasing you I didn’t know what it could have meant. I couldn’t sleep that night because of all the scenarios rushing through my head like cars on the I-95. I remember getting about 2 hours of sleep and being nervous all day until I saw you. I remember that moment perfectly, the trees were in bloom, the wind was gentle, the sunlit water hitting those mossy stones and you. It was as perfect as perfect could get. We sat and talked for a long time, like actually talked for the first time. It ended up being one of the best days of my life when you told me you finally felt the same way I did about you. I remember not knowing what to do, I mean I dreamt about that moment for a long time but when it actually happened I was speechless. It was quite for a while that awkward kind. You never did like quite, I remember you asking me “WELL? DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY?” and it just shook me to my core and you grabbed my hand with both of your hands and that was the first time I ever noticed how small your hands were. I wish I could go back to that moment in time and just tell myself to savor the moment. I’ve never felt so safe in my life and that probably makes me the biggest bitch in the world to say this. It sounds weird now that I think about it, that such small hands could keep me safe from all the evils in the world. For that slight moment I felt invincible. I usually think about what I say to you before saying it at least 10 times but my mind was completely empty and I uttered those three words everyone knows you shouldn’t say until you’re at least 2 years in the relationship and instantly regretted it. We didn’t even get the foundation set and I threw the “L” nuke out. I tripped before the race even begun but the weirdest thing happened. You hugged me. I wasn’t going to let a bunch of old people walking their dogs on a Saturday afternoon ruin that hug it was pretty awkward though. You didn’t say it back and I was ok with that. I expected a more negative reaction. The rest of the day is all a blur to me I felt like I was high for the most of it except when it was time to go home. We packed up our things and started to walk and we were side by side and I remember you sliding your fingers through mine and you held my hand.  I think about that day a lot now. Some days are worse than others. Spring break isn’t doing me any good ether. I’m home all day with a lot of time on my hands with nothing to do. It’s hard to talk to people about this because people have their own stuff to deal with and let’s face it no one gives a fuck right? Sure they are your friends and they will listen to you but you’re going to get the same response you always get and I don’t think that’ll make me feel any better. I find myself sleeping a lot and it’s not like we just broke up, it’s been a month but it feels like it’s just now hitting me that I won’t ever see you again.  I see you in my dreams a lot and it feels like a double edged sword. In one hand it lets me hold on to a piece of you and in the other hand I don’t think that holding on is going to help me. I don’t hear your voice though and that’s what hurts the most. I forgot how soft and kind you sounded. I feel like after a while your face is just going to become blurry and I’ll forget how beautiful your smile was. It would’ve been 5 years today and I can’t help but wonder what we would have done if we were still together. My mind wanders a lot in places I wish it would rather not go, nothing to serious or anything. I wonder how you’re doing, I hope a lot better than me but you do have it worse than me. You got your mom and dad and brother breathing down your neck trying to get you married off. I’ve never noticed how much you had on your plate till you actually left. I hope you’re doing well at school, I look around hoping I’ll see you randomly but I don’t think that’s a good idea. I do that a lot now, I hope somehow you come back and everything just goes back to what it was. Not like 2 months ago because we were falling apart then more like a couple of years ago when we knew this was going to happen but not for a while. I feel like I’m in at a very bad place in my life and the choices I make will greatly affect my future. I’ve been smoking a lot now and it’s become a vice. I just miss the feeling of knowing I can pick up my phone text someone and they’ll be on the other side of that phone instantly. I guess thats what made me feel so safe, knowing that I would never really be alone. I went from spending all my time with you to spending time with no one, its scary how dependent I am. I barely even use my phone now that your gone lol. It kinda just sits on top of my table and I barely have to charge it anymore. I know I’ll be fine but I don’t want to be fine without you. It’s a weird feeling and I don’t know how to get over it. I know you won’t come back and in a couple of months I can’t even count on randomly seeing you at school or in the streets randomly. But I made a promise and I’ll try my best to keep it as long as you keep yours. 

                                                                Love always